May 29, 2018

Don’t Go Back To Sleep



For a few weeks, I had been waking up between 3-5 AM. There was a disturbance in the force and each time it happened, I felt more and more distressed. I had to wake up, had to do something. If I just pulled the covers over and resisted, it wouldn’t end well. Surprisingly, I wasn’t tired. I was charged and activated, but with what?

So I pulled cards. I wrote down my thoughts and feelings. I meditated. I read books from my procrastination piles, and then answers were revealed to me.  Like a spiritual IOS update, I downloaded clarity on my business, my screenplays, my relationships, and my purpose. Change comes calling at inconvenient times. These mystery visitations are not uncommon, particularly for creatives, but it is disturbing. It’s a signal of a big shift. What is happening is unclear and the consequences of our obedience to shift and transform are unknown.  

I’ve been harbouring discontent and apathy in my daily life. I’ve pulled within, not interested in people or parties and gatherings that used to fuel me. I’ve taken a few rounds of Meyers Briggs testing to see if I’ve magically become an introvert - turns out I’m experiencing empath overload and psychic exhaustion. I’m not as free with my energy or willing to engage and giving less fucks about other’s reactions to that. 

And if I’m really honest, life has felt stale and tasteless. I feel deeply disconnected and unstimulated. I have an intuitive knowing that this detachment is part of the shift. I cannot afford to be who I have been and I’m not sure what that means yet. I feel the fear of losing people I care about and I’m not sure where I fit or belong anymore. It’s the terrifying part of dissatisfaction, realizing we need more, recognizing our current life is too small and what we are actually craving is the unknown, that mysterious beast that plans to rape and pillage all that we’ve constructed to keep certain and comfortable. 

I think we need to feel the repulsion from what no longer serves us so that we let it go. We allow Death to come through and settle into our life, feeling the absence, the emptiness, the loneliness. At times the trek through the desert seems too long. I’ve found myself questioning whether what I’m seeking actually exists, but I’m certain there is more than what is.

This dark place between realms, this night before birth, it’s revealing if we wake up and listen. We don’t punish ourselves or thrust our hearts into forced gratitude lists and affirmations to pretend we don’t see the wallpaper lifting. It’s ok to admit this is not enough. It’s ok to not know what happens next. The way through is to embrace the uncertainty and chase experience. Any taste of the new will do. For me, a big shift requires a big experience so I am leaving the country in a few days on a pilgrimage to Bali, Indonesia. I’m embracing the feeling of being unsettled. I’m permitting my Hermit intuition to lead the way, searching for a new light and a new path. Unlike a geographical cure, this for me is answering a call to be present in a country I’m still learning about and still unsure of why I need to be there. Whispers upon whispers, nudge upon nudge, late night calls from the future... I can’t wait to see what happen next.
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