July 20, 2016

Love is a Hunter

Illustration by Goni Montes.

Can we talk about self-sabotage for a second?

You have this dream that gnaws on you. Your heart sings in the pursuit of it, but when you're this close, you deny and dismiss it. In relationships, you drive people away. In career, you didn't make that extra effort when the opportunity presented itself because [insert your lame ass excuse here]. You get the nudges, the signs, the synchronicity, but decide it's just wishful thinking and toss the gift aside. Our dreams present themselves at our feet all the time, like stags sacrificing their heart to the hunter. But we miss the mark.

I see a lot of people tripping over themselves lately. From procrastination to perfectionism, we all have our go-to reasons why things aren't quite working out for us and it's usually everyone else's fault. Or we mistake the presence of fear, being uncomfortable or awkward as a sign that something isn't right and we should stop what we're doing. If you are truly hunting, you should be terrified. Pee should be running down your leg!

I used to believe that destiny trumped all. The sad truth is, you can ruin your opportunity. You can absolutely fuck it up, destroy that potential, lose that person who could have meant something to you... and this all happens from a lack of effort, not a failure in trying. And if you're really honest, you just didn't try. This is why you can't have nice things. You don't think you're worthy of them.

In Tarot, this is the 9 of Wands. The warning for me with this card is always, how am I getting in my own way? How am I guarded and preventing the flow? What humiliation am I trying to avoid?

As a retired black-out artist and recovering saboteur, I am painfully aware of all the times I have held myself back and let myself down. So many times I believed an outsider's voice over mine about who I am and what I am capable of. It doesn't even matter what they said, only that I believed it. I fostered it. I limped. I defaulted. I denied myself.

I went through a big transition in May - an awakening that rocked my world and named the source of my Achilles heel. Looking back, it's a miracle that I still managed to function through the chaos and re-birth of myself, in spite of not knowing what the fuck I was doing or feeling good about it. And now I get it. I am my only enemy, not just the worst, and it stems from what I think about myself or what I think about what is possible. The healing here is that we can change what we think.

Whenever I've found myself saying Can't, Won't, Don't, Tried, I am now adjusting to the possibility that I just don't know what is possible. And if I'm not stuck on being right and certain, then anything is possible. The best part is that you don't have to be convinced you're worthy of anything - just the possibility of it is enough space for magic to take place.

We forget how powerful we are. We are instruments to be used for alchemy. When aligned, we can tap into unseen forces and access an entire arsenal of tools that are not visible in the 3D realm. It's our birthright to come together and create. All the elements are at our disposal and helpful hands appear when we ask for them.

Are you struggling? Ask Yourself:

  • What keeps you in illusion?
  • What excuses did you come up with?
  • What are you missing out on?
  • Who do you keep at your side to reinforce the lie?
  • How much good do you allow?
  • How many times do you call out for your heart's desire and then not recognize it when it shows up because of judgment or fear?
  • Do you realize that you reading this is no accident? Yeah sweetheart, I'm talking to YOU!

Begin to question the voice inside you that knows the answer to everything. Try to rest in a place of uncertainty, then breathe and raise your bow.  


  1. Another well written piece Lindsey .... Letting go (of everything) not easy, especially when reality (vs fantasy) sucks.

  2. I can't count how many times I've sabotaged things for myself. I did successfully remove most of the toxic people from my life a while back though. Now my main enemy is complacency, things never being bad enough to want change, but never being good enough to satisfy me.

    1. Ooh that's a tough one too. I've been there. And life came and sucker-punched me out of it! Haha, blessing in disguise.


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